moving fast and I can't stop...

It seems like every day something new is happening with Tide. Something new and big. Big in my eyes.

Today R, Bubba-the guy who works for us, and Tide are offshore fishing. This is the first time R has taken Tide out in the boat without me. I'm sure it makes no difference to Tide, but I know the difference. I trust R to the fullest extent. He would never do anything to jeopardize Tide. I know that with all my heart, yet I'm still feeling a bit lost. Tide is not just 2, he's 2 ¾... so we're talking a big boy, right?

I know mothers (and probably fathers) out there that think we're horrible for taking Tide offshore to begin with. Especially since we've been doing this since he was 4 months old. I remember that first year after having Tide when we went on vacation. (We go to the Keys every year with R's family and do a lot of fishing.) Tide was 10 months old, and had 6 solid months of boating offshore under his belt. A few of the other families that are there every year were horrified when they saw us heading offshore with our baby. He couldn't walk, how did we expect him to handle being on a boat all day!? Tide has always been very at peace when offshore with us. Often sleeping for hours on his large pillow in the shade. He sits near me and watches everything around him... it's poetry to watch him absorb the open ocean. As he's gotten older his excitement and understanding has grown. He now "helps" R rig the bait, he reels in one of the poles, and has actually reeled in a small king mackerel. If he sees a bird, turtle, manta-ray, shark, weeds, bait fish, clouds, other boats, a cup floating, or even a bug, he excitedly tells us immediately, pointing and explaining. It's a joy to be able to expose him to this life.

With that said, I'm sitting here feeling very alone as R and Tide are likely 30 miles offshore as I type, trolling baits around waiting or catching fish. I asked Tide to catch a fish for me when we were getting him dressed this morning. Tide asked, "You staying here?", "Yes, Mommy has to work, so catch a fish for me okay?" "Yessss." Tide answered with an amazing glow in his eyes and smile broadly perched on his face.

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I am officially, (according to some sources, but more importantly according to ME), starting my second trimester. I am 13w 1d. Yippeee, I can stop worrying now, right, I mean chances of m/c from here are slim, right? Right? I truly am lucky with my health, though overweight, I am healthy. My OB classified me as low risk at my last appointment, which wasn't the case with Tide. (I was monitored due to my previous m/c's and the years it took for a viable pregnancy. This time Bam... I'm pregnant.) So, being low risk is awesome, yet scary for me. I felt so at ease with the extra appointments, reassurances and ultrasounds. This time it's just you and me baby! Which I know is a good thing, now I just need to believe it.

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What the fuck kind of sign do we have posted to our foreheads that prompts people to walk all over us!? I had a customer, (friend of a family friend once removed), come in to pick up his boat. He, HE told me that he'd be in on Thursday after he tested his boat to pay. What, Why? We only charged him an eighth of the time we had in it, which is not much by anyone's standards, yet he is going to TAKE the boat and pay us later?! The sad part being I let it happen. Fuck Fuck Fuck! These people who expect us to do these things for nothing are out of their minds! Do you go to the grocery store and tell them you'll pay them in a couple of days? I could have said , hey why not pay now, which I did hint to as I explained how little we actually charged him, but then I'd have his sob story on how we had his boat since late last Thursday, and he hasn't been able to work (he's a commercial crabber), so blah blah... After all, we're working here and making a living, how do we expect him to pay when he hasn't been able to?

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We have a toxic house and yard. We spent our weekend shampooing all our carpets (3), and all our furniture. I spent yesterday washing all our other floors and spraying the flea treatment. R spent yesterday mowing, spreading granules, spraying round-up and spraying other toxic combinations to rid our yard of fleas, ants and other vermin. R also gave both dogs a flea bath and they have been quarantined. So, after three solid days of a flea attack, I sat down last night to have one jump on my arm. I assume he was at the brink of death and was merely looking for a comfortable passage, which I promptly supplied.