It's raining...

The rain is too fitting for todays "space" I'm in.

R stayed up very late last night, roughly 3:40am. I tried going to bed at a reasonable hour, only to wake up when he walked through the room, (every time), and I also woke up three times to tend to Tide. (who was very unsettled last night) So, I'm tired, with a steady cool rain that should last all day.

R is depressed. Somehow I feel guilty for it. Why? Here is where I sit and contemplate just how much I am comfortable writing here, I want to spew, and should... what if R finds this and reads it? I so much do not want to hurt his feelings... Let me go back in time a little.

R and I drink beer. Occasionally a lot more than we should. In the last year I have cut back, and so has R, just not as much as I did. (just as a note, one of us would always be coherent enough to care for Tide, so in no way did I feel we ever jeopardized him) I understand social drinking and drinking in general is not the end of the world. A lot of people do, some more than others. On more then one occasion, either R or I would regret having more then we should on a given night. Leading to the following day of beating yourself up and swearing you won't go over board again.

I am no better or worse than R in this. I have my demons, I have done exactly what he has... just not as frequent. (at least not now or recently) Now being that I'm pregnant and stopped all my horrible habits when I found out. I did not want R to stop drinking on my behalf while I am pregnant, being around someone that is drinking does not bother me at all. Though people we know seem very bothered by it, throwing their own guilt out on the table, saying they feel bad drinking around me. I assure them not to, that I'm fine, don't miss it AT ALL. I can say I really don't enjoy being in a crowd of drunk people right now, I just find it repulsive. Not the act of drinking, but how they start to act once they have a few under their belts. So, I go to bed early and wake up to the next day feeling great. (while others sluggishly arrive to their form of morning)

So, that said, R is depressed. I feel guilty for it. I don't think I can really get a grip on why I feel the way I do. I know R feels bad about last night... coupled with the other few times this has happened this month has thrown him into a hole. He is hard on himself on a regular day, so on a day like today, he's brutal. I hate seeing him like this. He talks about being dead, though I know he would in no way ever kill himself. I can't bear hearing him like this. He has a lot of self hate, drinking or not. As I described in a previous post, he is very hard on himself. Never quite living up to what ever he has in his mind as a standard. I'm not clear on exactly what he expects.

I suspect my guilt is over my lack of control on the situation. Like I should be doing something and don't. He apologizes and I tell him it's okay, I understand. Should I be telling him I don't understand? I want to be supportive and find my happy, laughing R. Though I don't necessarily think the way I'm responding is helping at all... I feel like I'm hurting him but trying to smooth it over like it's no big deal. Yet am trying to tread softly since he takes things so hard.

Since R slept in this morning, I still haven't been able to bring Tide into Daycare. R woke up, beat himself up mentally, eventually got up and took a bubble bath with Tide. (something they both immensely enjoy) After the bath, Tide was rubbing his eyes, R was still tired, so the two of them are now napping. I feel like I haven't even been able to start my day yet it's almost 12:30 pm.