Scared

I am scared of having another child. I was unsure about my ability to handle Tide when I was pregnant with him and when he was a baby. Now I can't get a grip on what things will be like with another infant or how I'll be able to handle it.

A part of me wishes I could erase any knowledge I may have gained from raising Tide for the last 2 ½ years. To start fresh, to have the same fears, to be that concerned. I feel like I'll be too laid back. That I'll think I know what's right without really paying attention. With Tide everyday was new, every cry, sniffle, tear was new and I paid scrutinizing attention to it all. I read, I surfed the net, I called the Nurses and Doctors.

A large part of me knows I'll probably do fine, and it really is just the next step in my life. As things progressed with Tide, I'm sure they'll do the same with this next one. I was amazed how natural and automatic the basic care of Tide came to me. How only now have a hit one of the major milestones with no understanding of how to proceed.

We're trying to potty train. I have absolutely no idea what to do or how to do it. Yesterday we successfully had our first pee in the potty. Yeah team! We had one carpet incident, one linoleum incident, and three other "oops" outside. I was hoping like all the other big ones that this would kinda just happen naturally. At this rate if I wait for the natural route I think he'll be in his teens.

I am determined not to have two in diapers. As it is Tide weighs 40 pounds and is getting a bit much to keep slinging up on our changing table. Not to mention I would love at least a few months without the fucking diaper pail. I am sick of bleaching, smelling, bleaching, smelling...

I also have no idea how Tide will react to a sibling. He is Mommas boy. R thinks I coddle Tide too much, that I wait on him hand and foot. He may be right. I don't know how much is too much. Tide is a good boy. He's polite, happy, inquisitive and caring. I just want him to know I'm here for him.