Mish Mosh...

Any guesses what exactly Mish Mosh means? I don't know either.

So, I have a million things to say on a daily basis and DO NOT get to come on and express myself. I'm getting frustrated with it. I feel like I should tell R I have this damn thing and sit through the barrage of his not understanding... But no, that would mean I would be giving up the opportunity to do this utterly free of criticism. (Well at least from people that are in my face.)

Anyone think it's really not cool for your husband to want to buy you 6 weeks with a personal trainer for your Valentine's gift? Yeah, I thought so.

He also offered to buy me some lenses for my Camera and a tripod. I guess it's better then him buying a fishing reel, batting his eyes and saying how we use it together...

After my initial non response, I realized he's right, I need to get off my fat ass and get rid of this extra luggage. Mind you, it is NOT from bearing our children. My extra 60 pounds was produced after I got married, before Tide. I have lost my baby weight, but retained the wider hips and bigger feet from having children. (not to mention the saggy boobs and zebra stripes on my stomach) But the actual weight gain, all his.

Actually, I have a hard time with the weight thing... (duh, like most women?) No, seriously, I have gone through some really rough times with my weight. I spent the summer after high school starving myself. I ate peanut butter Twix bars and Jolt cola. Period, nothing else for an entire summer. I was a size 3, weighed 130, and am 5' 10" with a large frame. I was gross, and thought I was fat... I became engaged to a man 10 years older than I was, I went off to college and started eating again. I went from 130 to 200 in no time. Everyone thought I was pregnant, which I wasn't. (I was still a virgin) I changed schools so I could start living with my fiance, sacrificing some scholarships and such to make it happen. Shortly after Christmas and before my next semester of school, I found out my fiance was boinking his male friend while I was away. We broke up (duh) and I scrambled to get some classes and a place to live. I realized what had happened to my body and needed to change it. I went to a counselor and signed up for a weight training class. I started working out and by the end of the semester was back to 160, my normal weight. I wasn't done there. I have continued to yo-yo my weight since then, and have really tried to pay attention to my eating habits. It is easy for me to not eat and obsess about being smaller than I physically can be. So, I try to not think about it at all, and in turn have become a larger woman. I'm not happy about it, and continually argue with myself over whether I should accept it or not. (like I ever could)

So, here I am in my early , uh almost mid, 30's fighting my battle. Again, forever.

I just am so tired of always being strung out and busier than I can handle. I work ten hour days (minimum) 5 days a week, take care of the baby while I work. I feel overwhelmed with what I have to do. Now I need to find time in my schedule to go to the gym and work out? This will be easy, right? I'm shaking my head in frustration. R thinks it's so fucking easy, that all I need is a little push. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Whatever, I'll deal with all that... really, that is not what I intended to talk about today, I was going to do some boy talk. All about my boys if you will, and instead have sidetracked into bullshit. Sorry.

Tide can write his name. He has been writing "T" for Tide for a long time, ignoring the other letters, though he knew how to spell his name, pick out the letters on paper, he just did not care to write them together. Last Monday was the first time I have ever seen him try to write his name, He carefully put the T down, the an "i" on the left side of the "T", a "D" on the left side of the "i" and an "E" on the left side of the "D". My mirror boy. Then today while we sat down to sign his name to 15 Valentines day cards for school, he wrote, unprompted, his name in full, in the correct direction. ("i" to the right of the "T", etc.) I am proud of him. I have no idea if this is normal or not, and I don't really care if he is first or last in his class in doing this task, I am just proud he can do it, it brings a smile to my face and a tear to my eye.

Dorado is still teething. He is a drool factory, yet one of the happiest babies I've ever seen. He is so beautiful. See? Here's a taste from this morning...

and here's my other boy from our trip to the beach two weeks ago...



Dorado has been working on using his fingers for everything. He strums my chest, hand, leg, any body part he touches, wiggling his fingers the entire time. He is getting more enjoyment out of his exersaucer than previously. He's pulling all the toys to his mouth to test. Whatever works for him.

Next time. I'll scan and upload a picture of Tide in his first magazine. Yes, he is published. I'll leave the suspense for now. Thanks for, uh, getting this far.