Sitting down to cry...

I often wonder why things happen. Why we go through what we do to make it from one day to the next.

Dorado is in the hospital again. He turned 4 weeks old Monday.

He never really came around from his first stay 2 weeks ago. He had this phlegmy sound when he ate that never went away, just got worse... Last week he was spitting up after eating about four times a day. I debated it being an allergy or something. Sunday he was adding a little sneeze and a random cough. Monday I called to ask his nurse some questions, and they wanted to see him. Weighing on the side of caution when dealing with such a little guy. His appointment wasn't good, he had blockage in his chest and a fever. Since I have nebulizer experience they sent me home with medication and made an appointment for the following day. (plus sent us to the lab where a very sweet experienced woman took the needed blood with ease, no poking and prodding to find his vein... thankfully)

Tuesday I brought him to his appointment. It was not an easy night, he was up a lot, up coughing, up in pain, up crying and coughing, up looking into my eyes as he screamed wondering why I couldn't make him comfortable.

He had no fever. His initial test results were negative. He was not eating as he should. He didn't have enough wet diapers. His cough was getting worse. He could not be consoled. His Doctor was on the fence, should he be admitted or not. I stood there as I rocked him, bouncing him slightly trying to lull him into comfort. She left to consult with her partner... I stood there, tears starting to well in my eyes. I was tired, I felt defeated, I couldn't even take care of my own child.

She returned, looking at me and Dorado standing there defenseless... she said she feels it would be best to send us to the hospital. They can monitor him, they can be there should he continue to worsen. She looked at me, asked if I needed a tissue. I didn't know I was crying.