Tired of being Tired

This is more than ridiculous, I just can't shake this tired feeling I am constantly having! I thought the second trimester was supposed to be the energy months!

We managed to go offshore fishing this past Saturday. It was so gorgeous out there. As far as you can see, just gorgeous deep iridescence blue water. We caught several Dolphin (Mahi-Mahi, Dorado), and a 37 pound Wahoo. Tide reeled in three small Dolphin we set him up with. So for his offshore fishing catches, Tide has now officially reeled in one King Mackerel and three Dolphin. For 2 ¾ years old, not too bad! (I caught my first offshore fish at 25)

I have a whole rant of negativity that I'm going to blow off for now. I need to lighten up and give up on being able to have even one fucking inch of control on my own life. In a nut shell, my Holiday weekend is not going to go as I thought it would. Big deal, it could be worse.

On a brighter note, the child within is kicking up a storm lately. R still hasn't felt him from the outside. More due to his lack of patience than the kids kicking abilities.

"I Don't Want to be a Big Boy Anymore."

These are the words Tide uttered just last night. This after missing the little football that was thrown to him by R, which proceeded to hit him in the lip. No blood, no swelling, no marks or evidence of any kind, that is except Tide's declaration that he no longer wanted the Big Boy status. He came over to me crying, and I assured him he was fine, while trying to not laugh at his distraughtness. Yes, he was tired.

We had a very rough experience on Saturday when our boat broke while we were 15 miles offshore. We made it in safely, which is what is important. However, when we reached what I thought to be our destiny to start fishing, (which ended up being our turning point to head back in), I sighed out a "Holy Shit". (It had been a very hard rough ride --- bad seas) Tide immediately repeated the same sigh laided voice with his own "Holy Shit". Ah, I have a parrot.

No, no parrot. I was in the shower the other morning, R and Tide were on our bed. R was teaching Tide how to change the TV channels with the remote. Tide apparently buzzed past his "airplane movie", (a cartoon he calls that), and he couldn't get it back. "Oh, Shit!" Tide exclaimed. R asked, what he said, Tide enunciated "Oh, Shhh-IT!". R asked one more time, Tide slowly said it again, at which time R told him not to say that again.

So, Tide is scared of his closet. All in all his transition from the crib to his own bed AND room has gone very smoothly. Shy of this fear of what may be in his closet. The closet does not have a door on it. (it's on our to-do list) Randomly through the day or night Tide will make comments about his closet. The other day he looked at me and asked for a door for his closet. I told him we'd get one the next time we go to Home Depot. He looked up and said there's a door, pointing to our bedroom door, there's another door, pointing to our closet door... love his logic.

It's a BOY!

A-N-O-T-H-E-R B-O-Y

Yes, I wanted a girl. Yes, I will love having another boy... once the idea settles. No, I'm not being ridiculous. Yes, it sounds very selfish to even show any glimmer of disappointment when my child appears healthy and normal by every standard they have to check at this point. Yes, it leaves me with an empty feeling, a feeling I will get over, a feeling that is probably normal.

I have always dreamed of having a girl. Not to dress her up all foofy and play dolls with. (I'm far from the foofy type) But to share being a woman with, to watch her grow, experience life, and perhaps nurture her own child. I realize I can achieve most of those goals with my boys, but it's really not the same. Which leaves me sad, and empty.

No, we won't be having any more children, I feel very lucky we were able to have the two we're having. Age is kicking in and more children just isn't in the picture for us. (besides, it'd probably be another boy--a joke, really) I feel I lost my girls with my miscarriages. This is not a fact, just a feeling.

Similar to the feeling I had when I found out I was pregnant, I felt it was a boy. I was right.

Yeah, okay... I'm a wreck.

I'm an emotional wreck. One minute I'm all happy and life is good, the next I'm crying my eyes out. Love these fucking hormones.

This past Saturday, Deb, our live-in SIL, acted like an ass. It's not even worth going into shy of the outcome being that she made me more furious at her than I thought possible. Then she topped it! Monday morning, she called R* while I was dropping Tide off at daycare, to ask him if it was okay for her to have a couple of her friends over Tuesday night. Asking for permission to have friends at her OWN fucking houseboat? She was in Tampa at her boyfriend's house, I know she only called to prove to him how nasty and mean we are to her. It made/makes me furious.

*Everyone waits to call when they think I'm gone so they can catch R. After all, he's the nice guy, and I'm not. It irritates me, since they know they'll get away with something I would normally shut down. Not in this particular case, I would have been as shocked as R was, but I could have expressed myself and my feelings if I had answered.

R went over late (past midnight) last night to ask Deb to leave this coming Saturday night so we could have one evening alone on our river side. Our anniversary is Sunday as well as Mother's Day, we wanted to do something special, but need our space. Needless to say, he didn't get back until 5:30am. (yes, he was drinking too). Apparently he hit on more of our irritating topics with her. All of which I think is for nothing. Well, not really since she is going to leave us alone for Saturday night. But as far as any of his discussion meaning any changes in the way she is living or dealing with us... I don't think so.

When he asked what she was doing when she called about having her friends over, she claims she was just being nice. (this is bullshit, she had even invited me (on Saturday) to join her and her friends and go to a bar Tuesday night, and had said she'd probably have all her friends crash on her boat.) Besides, she has had a lot of people to her boat in the past without ever mentioning it to us, why start now?

I'm so frustrated. She just called to explain how she will leave Saturday night and be back Sunday afternoon for a Mother's Day dinner with R's Mother and she hoped we would join them. Thanks for the info, but that is what her and R had agreed to last night. I'm just not in the mood to put up with her and her ways. She acts sappy sweet nice to get her way through life. I don't believe a word of it after watching her manipulate us and people around us for the last 11 months! I told R when he just came in, that she had called, and that I was not dealing with her very well. That I'm still angry with her and will try to ignore it so we can move on. He started to get mad, saying what good did him going over there do if I was still angry?! Great. So, I really need to either tell her off or just let it go.

See, I almost called her a couple of days ago to tell her just what I thought of the way she handled things, but I was afraid I'd go too far. From the beginning, I've known that regardless of being the nice guys in all this we will end up the bad guys in the end, and all the giving we've done will be long forgotten. I just am not ready to wear that noose, and telling her off would sling it around our necks.

I know this is all convoluted and seemingly childish, sadly it's been burning a hole in my brain all week. Thank you for listening if anyone made it this far.